On being thankful.. and the men in my life.

I am blessed. And lately I've been getting subtle reminders of the many different ways in which I am blessed. Is my life perfect? Hardly. Are there a lot of things I wish I could change about it? Absolutely. But I trust that God will "fix" those things in due time, should it please Him to do so.

Some things I am thankful for right now, as I reflect on where I'm at in my life:

School. I'm in a nursing program that I enjoy, and that I am generally doing well in. It's also allowed me to meet some really great people. Thank you Lord.

Around this time last year I couldn't walk in a straight line.... I was having the most terrible episodes of vertigo.  It was something I struggled with for the greater part of every day for about six months, and was really interfering with my whole life.  I'm not sure if it was anxiety related, or some inner ear thing that messed with my equilibrium, but thankfully it went away. I still get anxious from time to time, but it's manageable and NOTHING compared to the vertigo nightmare I lived. Thank you Lord.

My church family. I feel a little out of touch, and I've become less active than I'd like to be due to school, but everyone has been very understanding and supportive. I love my church family. Thank you Lord for ShoreLife.

This may sound funny... But I am so incrediblythankful for the men in my life. I've heard some really awful stories over the years about girls that have been mistreated by men. As hard as it is to believe, it often seems to be men within their own families. As I spent the  yesterday evening catching up with my grandpa, it totally re-confirmed for me how truly lucky I am. I am SO beyond blessed to have the amazing father that I do.  If having the greatest father ever wasn't enough, I also have two wonderful grandfathers that have filled my heart with love and joy. I've never felt anything but the upmost respect and admiration for them. It doesn't stop there... My step-dad has been in my life since I was eleven years old, and he has always been good to me. He is a really good guy, and we have a great relationship.  I also have a slew of brothers that have their sisters' back. AAAAAANNNND! I can't forget my bestie! Stephen Joel. I wouldn't trade our ten year friendship for anything! I truly cherish our friendship and could not ask for a better friend. Thank you Lord for these wonderful men I've been so blessed to have in my life.

The list goes on and on... but these are the things that have been on my heart lately.

God is good.

A hymn that's in my heart right now:

Spring Up Oh Well

I've got a river of life flowin' out of me.
Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see.
Opens prison doors, sets the captives free.
I've got a river of life flowin' out of me.

 Spring up Oh Well.
Within my soul.
Spring up Oh Well
And make me whole.
Spring up Oh Well
And give to me
That life abundantly

Study Break!

Study Break!

My life, as of late.

No joke. You're looking at my life. In fact, I'm a little nervous that this post is taking away from crucial study time, so I'm trying to make it quick.

No social outings.

No movies.

No TV (kind of a big deal for a former tv junkie).

Nursing school.

 It's hard, and I often feel overwhelmed, but I'm really enjoying school.

I'm keeping up (so far).  I like my classmates.  And it's actually kinda fun sometimes.

Plus, I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be (on my educational journey anyway).

I'm not so sure about the other aspects of my life right now....

We moved out of our condo a couple weeks ago. (sad)

 January:

 My roommate Shellie informed Jenn and me that she would be moving in with her husband to be beginning in February.  No big deal, we'll find another roommate right? Wrong! About a week after Shellie informed us she would be moving out, the owner of our condo decided that she was going to raise our rent.. A LOT!  More than we could justify. So... Jenn and I also parted ways.  Unfortunately, with limited time (and money - still no job) I didn't really have many options.  I had to move back in with my parents.

I've been really hesitant to share that. But, I suppose people are going to find out one way or another. My fear is that people will begin to wonder when the heck I'm going to get my crap together.  This is my third move in just over a year and a half.  I can't help but feel that makes me look irresponsible.  Not only that, but I've moved back in with my parents of all places.

Now some of you may be gagging as I'm sitting here complaining that I've moved back home, when so many people are in far worse circumstances but let me explain.

This is the same dysfunctional, violent, abusive home I grew up in that broke me in many ways.  The same home I was desperate to leave a year and a half ago and vowed that I would NEVER go back to.

And here I am... again. 

I've been struggling a lot spiritually, because I really, genuinely believed this chapter of my life was over. I've already been here. I thought I passed whatever test or hurdle I was supposed to conquer living there.  This transition has sent me into a trainwreck of emotions for the past few weeks, but I'm picking up the pieces and trying to make the best of my circumstances.

I don't know why I am back here, or what God has planned.

Maybe it's simply to provide me with a place to stay with minimal living expenses, that is local and will allow me to stay in my nursing program, and still go to my church.

I suppose we'll see.

I wish this post were more encouraging, but right now this is the season I'm in.

It's kinda dark.

"Really? Who does that?!" - Volume:2

"Really? Who does that?!" - Volume:2

I get it.
You're busy.
You're running late, and in a hurry.

I'm far from perfect. Trust me. I am totally guilty of leaving the house for work/school without allotting enough time to stop off for my morning coffee goodness, and stop anyway.

BUT!

At no point (EVER) have I been in such a hurry, that I use the rest of the creamer and neglect to inform the barista or leave the carafe at a visible spot on the counter for them to realize it needs filling.

This happens to me far to often. I walk over to the bar to doctor up my black coffee only to pick up a bone dry carafe.

HUMANITY FAIL!

Now, I know this may seem petty (and maybe it is), but it's the attitude behind the action that I have a problem with.  Who does that?!  Who is THAT inconsiderate?!

 Perhaps I overthink these things. 
I just don't understand how people can justify their total disregard for other people.

Do you ever try to dissect things like this and make no progress whatsoever, so the only thing left to do but laugh it off and think "maybe its me?!" hahaha!
Maybe I am the weird one.

Condo

Condo

Here are pics of our condo (as promised).

Sorry about the quality. I snapped these with my phone before we moved in...

Now that I think about it, I should do an "after" post to show you what it looks like now that we're settled, to do the place a little more justice. Hmmm... Let me simmer over that. Perhaps more pics to come.

I love our home!! Even if it is an igloo!!

Living room

Our tiny kitchen.

On the left is a spiral staircase (LOVE) that leads to

the upstairs loft (Belle's room)

Jennifer Marie's Master Bathroom

Entry to Jennifer Marie's room.

washer/dryer on the right

Second bathroom that Belle and I share.

My room.  I hated the blue paint at first, but it has grown on me.

We live right near the wetlands, so I can hear the seagulls from my room!

Jennifer Marie's room

Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of the loft.. I don't know what happened there, total brain lapse I guess.

Goodbye Holidays

Goodbye Holidays

This weekend is New Years, and that means the holiday season is officially coming to an end.  This is always kind of a sad time for me because I really love this time of year.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I'm currently on break from school, and it has been really great. Last week i went to my dad's house in San Diego to visit my family. It was nice just to hang out without having anything specific on the agenda except to bake cookies with my niece.

Ham.

 On Christmas Eve morning my dad and i went to La Jolla, to the Torrey Pines Reserve to enjoy the hiking trails. It is Sooo beautiful there. I went there earlier this year with my brother Tyler on a whim and it was gorgeous! I've been wanting to go back ever since, so I'm glad my dad and I were able to go. Here are a few pics i snapped from my phone:

I love that you can see the rays of sun peaking through the clouds.

I feel like it's God's way of speaking to me, and confirming His presence. 

 Dad!

***

That evening I went to my uncle's house in Murrieta for a get together with some of my other family. I returned to my dad's house and waited for the rest of the "kids" (my brothers and sister) to get there so we could hang out a little before bed.

Christmas morning was great, as usual. I love Christmas morning! It's the only time we're all together, and it's always so fun!

I decided to head home on Christmas day. A few pics from Christmas morning:

 I thought there were more, but I must not have

uploaded them...

***

It was still early when I got home, so i went to spend the rest of my Christmas with the Olson/Thomas bunch (my other family that God has blessed me with), and had a lovely time. The following evening we went to Naples to walk through the canals and check out all the Christmas lights.

How did you spend your holidays?  Do you have any specific traditions? If so, I'd love to know.

Happy New Year!

life...updated II

Life... Updated II

Well good grief!! I feel like it's been forever since my last post... I suppose it kinda has.

I miss blogging. I'm frustrated that I haven't made more of an effort to write, and to read the blogs I normally follow. I suppose it happens to everyone from time to time. Also, we still don't have internet at the house, so I'm limited to my phone or to hull my laptop to starbucks.

So.... I don't know where I left off in my last post, but I'm currently living in a beautiful condo in Huntington Beach with two of my girlfriends Jennifer Marie and Belle (Shellie).

 Pictures to come... I really love our little place. The walls in the living room are still kinda bare,  but otherwise things have come together pretty nicely. I feel very blessed to have this be "my first place".  I've been out on my own so that is really nothing new, but renting a room is different than moving in to a new place with friends.  There is more freedom in decorating and making it your own home.  Also, I've realized that I really enjoy hosting. We had a pre-Thanksgiving gathering, and also a Christmas "Elf" party and I really enjoyed them both.  I love having people over and making them feel welcome. I like providing a place for them to relax and have fun. 

I just finished my first module/clinical rotation of nursing school. I passed my first final with a B, so for now i am still a nursing student. I return January 3rd to a new hospital for my clinical rotation and we'll also start our next theory module. I'm trying to get excited about going back, but I'm just not. I've really enjoyed my break. I'm scared. In the last couple weeks before my break I could tell school was starting to pick up momentum. Ughh!! I can tell it is about to get a lot harder, and a lot more demanding. I seriously can't imagine going back to work.  With that...

I still have no job, and therefore no form of income. I'm worried. I really can't make it much longer. I've been living off of my savings, and they are nearly depleted. It has been neat to see God provide, because honestly i didn't think I'd make it THIS long. But it's stressful. I hate not knowing how my bills are going to be paid. It's such an uncomfortable, and shameful feeling. Perhaps humbling is a better word. Either way, it doen't feel good. Pray for me please. I feel like God keeps putting these wonderful opportunities in front of me, and then they don't work out for one reason or another. It's so frustrating!

Anyway... Hope everyone is well in Blog-Land.

Fall

It's official ladies and gentlemen... The most wonderful time of the year is upon us. 

Happy Fall!

***

I've been away for a little while (from blogging anyway).  As you can see I haven't posted anything for what seems like forever, and I haven't really been keeping up on the blogs I typically follow.

Is my life super crazy busy at the moment? Not exactly... But there has been lot of transition that I'm still easing in to.

A couple weeks ago I moved into a condo with two of my girlfriends, Jenn and Shellie.  Officially, it's been two weeks and I love it here. I love our little place.  It's still kind of a mess, and somethings still aren't hung, or put away but we'll get there. I'd like to post some pics when we're all situated.

If you've been following or have read some of my recent posts, you would know that I started nursing school about a month ago.  So far I'm really enjoying it.  We started clinicals at a local hospital two weeks ago, so three days a week I go into the hospital (at 6AM!!!) and I am assigned to a patient or two for the day.  It's challenging at times, but I do like it.

You may also know that because of my acceptance to this nursing program I had to leave my job.  My school schedule conflicted with my work hours, so I had to leave.  It was really hard because I liked my job.  I also liked having an income.  I've been without an income for a month, and the panic is setting in.  Actually, it started setting in about three weeks ago.

I've been living off of my last paycheck and some savings... Please pray for me. I need a job, or some sort of significant income soon.  I'm also dealing with a lot of personal/relational things that are kind of bothering me.

I'm discouraged.  I lost count how many positions I've applied for.  I've gone on a couple interviews for positions that seemed promising, but they didn't work out.

And honestly, as awful as I feel admitting it... I'm struggling spiritually.  

There. I said it.

For the past few weeks I haven't felt the same at church.  I feel almost like I shouldn't be there.  Almost hypocritical being there, and feeling the way I do.  Does that make ANY kind of sense?

I don't know... I'm having difficulty putting into words what I am trying to say.

I love the Lord.  With all my heart I do.  I know God is good. And I know He loves me, and will allow things to come into our lives for a specific purpose. 

But I feel forgotten. I feel confused. I feel like even though I am flawed, and I fail Him daily I've really, really, REALLY tried to be obedient and live a life that is pleasing to Him.  And I'm not saying I think I should be rewarded or be given a carefree, hunky dory life... but I guess to some extent I would like to see Him bless my efforts.  I don't see Him or fee His hand in my life right now, and it's killing me.

I don't mean to sound all woe is me, because I know that there are thousands of people out there who have been out of work much longer than I have, and people in much more difficult circumstances.  I just... I guess I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just rambling at this point.